Open Diaries 2: I Don’t Want To But I Have To

Have you ever exerted effort to someone? Have you ever done almost anything and everything? Have you ever given up your time and sacrificed  your freedom? Have you ever shown every goodness and trusted every flaws of you? Have you ever felt pained yet you still endure even if you go over it again and again? And in the end you’ll ask yourself, is this someone worth every piece of you?

This morning, I’m having backaches brought by my sleeping position in the bus on the way back to Manila. My officemates noticed it but I still went on to my tasks. In the afternoon, I wasn’t able to contain it anymore. I borrowed the hot-compress from the clinic and I used it the whole afternoon yet the pain remained.

Despite my backache, I continued to live my day as normal as I can until I got home. I even droppedby the laundry shop to get our washed clothes. Because I already wanted to have a rest, I swept the floor and when I was about to put the ‘banig’, he suddenly asked me,’did you swept already?’. I astonishingly stared at him and responded, ‘I am already infront of you yet you didn’t notice me?’. He answered back, ‘I was texting, that is why.’

Exactly! Just what our friends say. ‘A rice that is offering itself to be eaten by the chick.’ Either he can’t see or he refuses to. Sad reality is he already refused.

Tonight is something odd. Maybe because I got tired? Maybe because I feel weak? Maybe because I ‘m having alot of things running in my mind? Maybe because I am awakened? Maybe because I’m stressed? Maybe I’m depressed? Maybe because I’m pressured? Maybe because I’m finally matured?  Or maybe because I’m being sensitive?

I don’t know but I feel that I am so worthless right now. Seems like everything I’m doing are dusts. I live with the air yet still invisible.

What hurts me more than this backache? It was not because he didn’t fix our clothes when I asked him to, but it’s the sad truth that he knows about what I feel yet he chose to let me hurt myself. It’s the fact that he doesn’t really care. Well, I don’t mean that he doesn’t really care at all. It’s just that I realized tonight that he is not the ideal man that I’ve always been envisioning. They say that if you want something, be specific. I always pray for someone tall, handsome, goodhearted, wise, with a morally grown family, and most of all, someone who will love me eternally. And the last one, the most important one, is what he is not.

Time will come that you will decide to love yourself more than anything else, that you will allow yourself to go away from the things that hurt, that you will be awakened and will be able to see the colors you have been missing since the day you left your own world. I come back to the basic where my last resort is myself. Now I have proved that when you are deeply hurt, you have the capacity to ignore him, no matter how much you love him.

More on my FB page: Diary of a Never Been Kissed

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