Open Diaries 1: Holding On VS. Letting Go

I thought I got over it. I thought I had overcome the pain. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was able to change the phase of the game. I thought everything’s gonna be alright. I thought I had moved on eventhough there was never an us and eventhough there will never really be an us.

In May 20, 2016 segment in Tonight with Boy Abunda, wherein the first part when he is tasked to answer selected questions from social media, he was asked: “Paano ka makakapagmove-on kung hindi naman naging kayo?” His joking answer was “move-out”, but his final advice was ” “Accept rejection, endure the pain and move on.” (Quoted words are not the exact words. My apologies :))

People who know me probably are tired of hearing or got used to this moving-on issues of mine but people who know the whole story would understand. Maybe, just maybe, we are victims of the situation. As for me, add the fact that I fell in love.

Being with him for more than 10 years now and ‘mind you, as a housemate for two years and counting. Like what my friends say, well my other circle of friends, we already have a great strong foundation if ever we would be lovers in the end.

I already confessed my love for him. He now knows how legit my love for him is despite everything. I know that he knew this even before. I just had the courage to tell him because I am hoping this would change the situation; and yes, it did! But not the change I hoped it to be. I didn’t expect him to say that he loves me too because I know deep in his heart he’s looking for someone else. I didn’t hope for him to pity me and somehow open his heart for me and give a chance for an us. Then what had changed? It is me, my perspective in love and my outlook in life.

I have to go over alot of challenges, absorb various sermons and advices, witness hurtful scenes, experience jealousy, me having no right to be, struggle for attention, and battle for my pride, before I was able to proclaim that I have to move on. I have to let you go. I have to set myself free. What keeps me holding on for so long? It is fear, definitely. I fear that I will be living alone forever. I fear that after all I have said and done for him, he wouldn’t be needing me anymore. I fear that if I will move out and go, he wouldn’t care, he would be able to find the one he’s looking for then I would be left miserable. I fear that everything we’ve been through will be put into waste. Who would not want a relationship strengthened by time and experience?

But because of all these fears, I learned that trust is my last resort. Trust him that he will be right there beside me like how I’ve been to him. Trust myself that I won’t be only deceiving myself that I am a strong woman but will prove that I really am. Trust in God that if we really are, we will be.

More on my FB page: Diary of a Never Been Kissed


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